Sheltered, high on a purposeful serenity, on a floating barge

I just had a strange and wonderful dream.

I was on a barge, of some sort, monitoring a coastal storm, watching as the ocean blew in large chunks of houses it had pickup up from some place else, crashing them into the large houses on the shore that I was watching.

I was part of a team of old friends, from high school, with a certain tranquil serenity ensuing from a focus on purpose. It felt cozy, sheltered from the rain, spray, and debris, in the ship's large open space, and it felt great -- refreshing -- feeling that cold wind, slowed down, and going through those spaces.

It felt great seeing an old friend, who is recovering from a road accident, out there, in full vigor, and being his usual self (I think his being out of the hospital is the reason I even had the dream). I know I'm not the only one who saw him that way, for another of our high school buddies on that team also noticed that our friend was back in action.

It felt fantastic as we heard the claps of destruction on the shore, as the large debris hit houses on the shore, while we were protected by the ship's structure. From time to time members of the team went to fully sheltered areas, to take breaks, but I was always there, at least audially witnessing the destruction -- I guess I dreamt during my shift.

I heard the wind's howl, and the ocean's roar, and the tremendous claps that accompanied each shore-front house's destruction. There were at least two occasions when I had to take shelter from the resulting debris, for we were, somehow, close to shore.

O, it was reminiscent of those monsoon nights I had enjoyed as a child -- only, much more violent, and I was 'outside.' I saw a big chunk -- a complete set of three adjoining houses -- washed in, from elsewhere, as it raced towards the shore-line, giving my friend and I barely enough time to seek shelter by backing up against the wall of the ship that was closest to shore, as we heard tremendous explosions, and we gingerly tried looking around the corner, trying to glimpse the ensuing destruction. All we had to do was to monitor the storm, and to monitor the destruction, while keeping ourselves alive.

O, the serenity of cold, wet winds, the security of the ship's bulkheads, and that high, that tranquil clarity of mind at pursuing a simple goal, with simple rules.

Volatile and Decentralized: How to get your papers accepted

Volatile and Decentralized: How to get your papers accepted: "Like most faculty, I serve on a lot of conference program committees. I estimate I review O(10^2) papers a year for various conferences and ..."

To Pursue, or Not to Pursue, a PhD

A friend asked me the following:

"Do you honestly enjoy doing your PhD work? How are you managing financially? What about after you are done? How is the job market? Is it very competitive? Do you expect to be paid more than the average Joe working in a company?"

Here is the reply that followed:

Let me put it to you this way: in the summer of 2007 I went for an internship at a company that I really liked, but the kind of job that I wanted required a PhD. Every member of every group that I wanted to join had a PhD. PhD provided the specialized training that they required to even get started on jobs of that type (I interned at a research and development facility). So, when I spoke to them (at their labs, over lunch, while hanging out, etc.) they convinced me to just get a PhD. So, here I am. The company likes me, and they had me intern there again, and they want me to come back (they want someone with my specialization right now, but I don't have my degree, yet), but I have to ride it out until I finish the PhD.

Look, PhD is a specialized kind of training (depends on the field that you are in) that prepares you for certain kinds of job functions (think of it as a highly specialized job training which confers skills with wide applicability). You do it (the PhD) if that is the kind of job that you want (typically, to work in R&D). Otherwise you don't do it. The money is meager, as you have to live on a barely livable stipend (actually, it's not that bad, but I like to go skiing, skydiving, and the like -- I'm a wild man), but it's a means to an end.

I hope you have strong motives if you want a PhD, for otherwise you will get killed by the pain, the trouble, the strive and strife. The respect that our society accords to a PhD is not worth the things that we have to go through -- even the homeless guy has a more enjoyable life. But, the PhD period is transitory, allowing a person to get the kind of job that one likes (assuming the motives and actions were right), and that makes all the troubles, tribulations and frustrations worthwhile.

I cannot tell you that guttural joy of getting something to work, or that sheer ecstasy of figuring something out, but those are things to look forward to in this line of work.

She then said:

"The researchers here have a gleam in their eyes and are so excited and I find this very fascinating. Sometimes I wonder whether my interest in pursuing a PhD is a product of being here in uni. I am not too sure."

My reply (to this, and other posts) was:

That reminds me of a line from the movie, Riddick, where a girl tells Riddick 'I've killed so many people, but I still can't get that look that I see in your eyes...' well, she sounded despairingly exasperated. Look, if you like actually DOING the kind of stuff that that these people do then go for it! If you like simply reading what they have done, but would not like going through the drudgery of actually doing these things, yourself, then you might have a few things to figure out.

It's like this: my professors like to watch people jumping out of airplanes from the comfort of their seats, but would not like jumping out of an airplane, themselves -- I, on the other hand, like to jump out of an airplane. Now, you don't need me to tell you which one of us (between one of my professors and myself) needs to go to school and get a skydiver's license, do you? ;)

Personally, I was never too big a fan of the kind of experiments that I have been doing -- until I started understanding what the hell was going on (trust me, I would start cursing if I even tried to show you the full extent of how I feel). You see, I like figuring things out. My mentality was cut out more for being a physicist, than an engineer -- the two groups feel a different kind of "Aha moment" from their work (physicists feel a more subtle, more sublime, but longer lasting sigh of the chest, while engineers feel a more gutteral, more intense, but shorter lasting moment of satisfaction; but both groups feel 'high' when it happens). So, while I had my gripes, and my deep seated despairs, agonies, misgivings and regrets, I finally found my satisfaction when I took the initiative to understand the physics of what I was doing, and how I could use that physics to engineer the devices that I am to be making (I can engineer what physics happens in my devices, if you will) -- an initiative that paid off at last Friday's presentation, which my professors were very satisfied with (I think I now finally understand why my group's work is called 'applied physics,' rather than simply engineering).

So, given my better understanding, I am now quite happy, and I now finally feel that I am getting what I signed up for when I started with my PhD. This has been the longest 'down' in the ups and downs of the PhD process -- for me, anyway. Now, I feel that I am doing what I like -- I am figuring things out, and then implementing my understanding for a practical purpose. I used to see experimentation as a necessary evil to justify the theoretical work that I do (spending 7 hours doing a boring experiment is still a pain in the ass -- and I know a pain in the ass, for Mr. Yusuf Shareef used to cane me there), but I don't want to be a pure theoretician (I like 'working with my hands,' if you will, and I like to bring forth the fruits of my cerebral work, rather than limit myself, and have somebody else do the work that makes my theoretical work USEFUL to society), and I actually enjoy working with lasers and optics, and I derive tremendous pleasure out of working my systems under very tight parameters (my philosophy is 'always enjoy a tight squeeze,' and I follow that philosophy whether I am working, or skiing), and now (with my better understanding) I see the experimental work that I am doing as actually being relevant to my interests and actually being aligned with what I get joy out of.

So, if you misunderstand what the work of your professor entails, or if your PhD advisor's work does not align very well with your interests, then you could be in for a VERY SAD Life. When I started I used to think that I should simply like the end result of the kind of work that I will be doing (rather than the long periods of doing the actual work) in order to be successful as a PhD student, but the fact is, seeing something accomplished lasts a very short time, and you soon have to move on to the next step; on top of that, I cannot truly enjoy an accomplishment too well, for when my professor started clapping the day I finally was able to make high quality transparent optical quality films for my solar cells I actually squirmed inside, I felt extremely embarrassed, and I did not like it at all -- I later told a friend that I much prefer being grilled at the meetings and I am telling you that instead of facing so much compliments I would rather jump out the window; I think I do not handle compliments too well. So, it is VITALLY important that you like the journey, rather than the final destination, in order to be successful as a PhD student.

If you like Sharjah (and say you live in Dubai, United Arab Emirates), for example, you can take bus (i.e., if you like the final destination), but only if you like the act of taking journey will you take a backpack (with supplies, like water, some food, etc.) and actually walk the route, enjoying the breeze, the walk, and the sights (bad example, I know -- the desert is too hot -- but I hope you see my point). The PhD is like the journey, and you will not spend much time in Sharjah, once you get there, and you will just keep hiking/walking to the next destination. So, you should only pursue the PhD if you like taking the journey. Of course, for any PhD work it is important to know what is the destination, and what is the journey :)

O, and I must warn you of the PhD jokes, for there is a lot of truth to them. Besides the corny ones that I came up with (the ones on my BLOG, that I linked you to, earlier), there are ones like: "A PhD student should be poor, hungry, and lonely, so that he/she can spend his/her nights alone, to think." Of course, here is the United States, statistically, you are more likely to complete the PhD if you are married, rather than single -- don't ask me why, because neither I, nor my professor who told me this, can explain it.

So, there you go. Now you can better evaluate your motives for doing a PhD. The decision is a very personal journey, and telling a person about why one chooses to do it, or to not do it can feel very intimate and personal, and can make one feel being very wide open; but I would appreciate your letting me in. While the factors influencing the decision may be personal, they are certainly not the kind of personal stuff that one cannot talk to a friend about. In my case, I don't make any effort to hide them, at all. Sure, you are the first to know some of the stuff that I have written above (and, yes, I was looking for someone to talk to) but I have spoken about this stuff before with a lady who took my psychological profile (she studies the learning process in adults). In any case, knowing what factors influence you, and in what way, I would be better equipped to help the next person who asks me whether or not he/she should pursue a PhD.

BTW, have you ever heard of Shangri La? I once saw an episode about it on a show called "Lonely Planet" (also known as "Globe Trekker," and the theme is enclosed). It is a mythical city in the Himalayan Mountains where everything feels great. The show failed to find it (it is mythical, afterall), but when they found the ruins of a different city, by following the legends, they found something truly mythical. I felt elated, myself, when I saw just the video of what the show's travelers were seeing. Sure, it wasn't what was described in the myths, but when you see so much beauty, so much tranquility, such wide expanses surrounding a beautiful city, you cannot help but feel a sigh of relief, a joy that I cannot describe, an inner peace the like of which I had not experienced in a while, and I have not experienced since , you suddenly all the pains, all the troubles, all the inner strife, and all those feelings that you get while you strive fade away, and it is as if you are feeling a different version of the runner's high (to put it very, very lightly). When I saw that city on a high plateau, surrounded by hills (hence, making the place unreachable), approachable by a sandy beach from one side, and a shallow lake on the other, I could not help but feel an inner peace.

I think that is what you saw in your researchers' eyes. I think that is the reason for their eyes' gleam. I think they found their Shangri La, after traveling through vales and hills.

I once told a friend:
"Love is when you are willing to pursue the object of your love; to get to know better that object of your desire; to be willing to go hither and thither, near and far, over mounts and vales, ever inching closer, even in the face of going further and further, all in the name of appreciating what you are so willing to fulfill in terms of its wishes and desires; love is being able to think what is better for that someone, not just yourself; but love can also be possessive desire."

Well, I think they have found their Shangri La after all their ups and downs and despite the satisfaction of their perhaps possessive desire it (the look of that, rather selfish, satisfaction) is overcome by the process, that pursuit of that desire, to the point that now you only see the satisfied gleam, that inner tranquility, that fulfillment that no one can take away. It is a satisfaction that I am lost for words for, and it is indeed something worthy of desire -- it is worthy of years and years of pursuit, and it is perhaps worthy of a lifetime of pursuit, and it is worthy of pursuit from one goal to another -- for when you find it out to accomplishing one goal, and you bask in the glory of a private celebration, it is worthy of pursuing again, and again, and again. Simply writing this, I feel a certain satisfaction of that desire, for right now I am reliving that moment again, when I saw that episode of Lonely Planet. I could go on and on, but I am sure, by now, you know what I mean by the worthy pursuit of an all but elusive desire.



The true Shangri La, that tranquil oasis town in the midst of the dry mountains, far from civilization, and to get to which you have to cross wild terrain, still eludes me. It's like my happiness is 'over the hills and far away.' I am still out in the cold, cold, morn, feeling the tingling in a metal rod. Ever inching, closer and closer, not knowing how much more I will have to wither. I have come to love that tingling sound in a hollow metal rod, a rod like those railings that bridges have got. It's like every sound is an intimate moment; pressed against my cheeks I savor, and to myself I comment. I've come to love what is cold, what is forbidding, and what takes one away from pleasures a society considers innocent. I have lived for 8 years away from family, away from intimate contact, away from feeling open. Now, to block these needs it's as if my adrenals have swollen. An angry man, a wild man, a kind of beast, a man of the mountains, a talkative one, but a mountain man, nevertheless, I have become. Like Odysseus, who could not stay with his wife, and had to return to sea, having spent 10 years getting home from it, I may very well one day take off, take to the skies, and fly off. Sure, I may land over hills and vales, and while Shangri La I may not even seek, but may find en route, when least expected, I am sure from my adventures I will have many tales.




That was just me sounding off some of my deepest thoughts, some deep seated regrets, some deeply harbored desires. I hope you shall never burn in such kind of fire

Good luck with your endeavors. :)

~Faissal

To Take On The Extreme

There is an extreme side of me that I always try to control. In fact, Islam IS my moderating influence, for it keeps me from requiring others to keep things as simple as I would like things to be.

I have an extreme side, and I try to keep it away from my religion, for Islam is a path that is some sort of medium path -- one that is not leaning towards either extreme (a moderate path that leans towards neither lax flexibility nor towards morbid rigidity). That is why I gravitate towards activities that allow me to channel my extreme side in positive ways (as my high school Physics Teacher used to say: "Constructive, not destructive!"): laser alignment work (and the like), background reading, and designing experiments for research are very demanding, and allow me to be extreme and be useful to human kind, as I think Allah wants us to be, and skiing (and the like) allows me to be extremely demanding on myself while doing something personally fulfilling.

The way I see it, some people are just born extreme, and it is their duty, and their lifetime challenge to be useful (I don't think Islam encourages us to live as hermits, so I take it that we have to live in society and be useful) and to either tame their inner extremism, or to simply channel it in a useful manner -- well, that is just my take on it.