Close Pass of Asteroid 2018 DV 1

This is the LIVE show!

https://youtu.be/7iU6Xjk_NXM

Don't abdicate the consequences of your choices

Don't abdicate the consequences of your choices -- for in doing so you will disenfranchise those whom you have affected.

So, I am finally here!

So, I am finally here -- at Cafe Lalo's. I hadn't imagined, I'd come to a place lkke this -- mostly because I hadn't imagined, such a place would exist.

From the outside it has the look of a rather well lit, and very tidy place for conducting business over liqour -- but that could well have been because I had passed by numerous pubs and rather classy beer and whiskey places on the way here. As I got closer, however, it became more and more apparent that this place was more fond of displaying it's desserts.

Even before I stepped in through the door, I heard my friend's beautiful singing voice, and wonderful sound of the other one playing -- the duo, Jatziri and Alec, were providing the entertainment for the evening, and they both seemed to be having a jolly good time as I walked in.

The moment that I walked in I saw seated a multitude of ethnicites, both serving and served, and rather contrary to my first impression, I saw a young father dancing with his daughter, much to the joy of the little girl's mother.

As I sat near a corner (it was rather hard to get a table when I had walked in), enjoying the second pot of their rather flavorful teas, which had light flavors but were rather delightfully aromatic, I heard someone tell a friend that this place had pretty much whatever you could wish for. That sounded like wishful thinking, but Jatziri also told me during their break that this place had some good food.

All around me, I saw a rather coordial social atmosphere -- people coming in with friends or family, and some of them seeming warm and close to the people working here.

It has been great, and I thank my friends for having invited me here, tonight. I am really having a great time.

The man I am -- 18th July, 2013

I am a man given to simple things. I like the quiet things in life, that some might choose not to think about, or to take for granted. I like that quiet comfort of the presence of someone close. I seek not any warmth, neither emotional, nor otherwise, but I do seek a cool sense of ease from the mere fact of someone being there -- the way two men might take a long walk, and find ease in simply having a fellow walker for company, all without exchanging a word, nor a glance. For me, happiness is not about the joy of doing something legendary, but rather, about doing mundane things around those I would consider close. I do not mean close in the sense of having close friends, for even among the friends around whom little is sacred there are limitations, and there are things that even when shared will not bring a sense of ease. I, rather, mean closeness derived from the company of one who has been rendered comfortable with the kind of person I am, to the point of wanting to have understanding for places where I have been.   I do not mean to say that I would like my life to be filled with the banal, the mundane, for it is I who seeks, who ventures out for new experiences. I find joy in being in situations varied and new, and I find a thrill, a chilled sense of excitement in breaking out of routine. I find joy in leaving aside a 4 hour bus ride, and instead, taking 3 different trains, so that I may explore different new cities along the way, always having that tension of what train schedules I might find at the station, on each leg of the way. I find joy in being dropped with a friend in a part of the city that I had never been to, at night, so that we may walk, meet people, and hop from café to café, bar to bar, as we go our merry way.   I do not mean to say that I am entirely tame, either, for parachuting and parkour are part of my repertoire, and bouldering and downhill skiing are in my forte. I do not mean to say that I am very extreme, for in matters of safety and caution I may be a little too keen. I do, however, through long developed skills, find ease in acts that for my friends would give chills. It is not that in these acts I choose to be thrilled, for I mostly enjoy either that elated sense of being in getting to a high place and just being there, or in that sensation of just having done something visceral, a feeling so shrill.   As for what I seek, I seek very intermittently those pursuits of shrills, and in these extreme ways I find my joys in things that are demanding to the point of near misery. I seek mostly, though, that quiet comfort in a close one’s company. As for how I would want to go about securing such people, and to keep them happy, I would seek to do that through the pursuits of building new things and keeping an eye on materials and optics – my two childhood passions, and things that I still find tremendous warmth in – for in the success of long drawn efforts in these things I find a sense of satisfaction so wild that it cannot be tamed even by the feeling of that rushing by of the face of a boulder as I speed up, after having just jumped off.   Indeed, I like quiet things. It is just that I like to break that routine with things that demand, by being in their very nature visceral.

For my Brother's 19th Birthday

In about a day you turn 19 -- your last year as a teen. Two years later you're 21 -- a young adult! No more spoon feeding, no more babying, no more pampering. You'll be looking out to the world, and you'll be looking for things to do, places to find, people to meet, a person to be. As you see more you'll learn more about yourself -- you'll find you like new things, and you'll find you enjoy new feelings. You'll also have strife, but you'll strive, and you'll thrive. Don't let anyone with-hold you, don't let anyone tell you you can't. You've come a long way since the day I taught you to spell. You've learned to put up with the impatience with which people give you hell. You've learned how to voice what object you demand, you know how to make a stand -- now let your stubbornness push you through when anyone dares to tell you you can't. The world's yours for the taking --all you need to learn (to find out) is where, whom and what to ask, so that you may get what you desire: be it the desire to be heard, or something, some journey, some way of life you demand.

Chill, Bro, you have a lot to think about in the bright days and the long, lonely nights coming up. There is so much you want, so much you can get, so much you deserve, and so much for you to serve. It's a world of juggling and balancing out there, and with sheer power of will you can get through anything.Learn from Dad -- to keep calm, to find clarity of mind in turmoil and duress. Learn from Mom -- to use almost God-forsaken will to find ways to make progress. Learn from them, learn from everyone, learn from all in what in them is best, and acknowledge flaws -- in others and especially yourself, for only when you find ways in which you could be better can you think of ways to better yourself. I know things can be hard -- places to go where you don't want to go, people to meet whom you don't want to meet, things you do because that's what you were taught, but things which hurt and make no sense, temptations to face, temptations to resist while yet not comprehending what perils in them persist -- and yet, with so much that's wrong in your world, in the worlds of those around you, in the worlds of those who affect you, effect you, mould you, influence you; even then there is so much joy, so much warmth, so much serenity, tranquility and peace. Bro, the thing that I've learned, and only in just about the span of just the last year, is that once you've found joy, once you've found that human connection -- with people, with someone -- you'll find that you've found everything you ever thought you wanted, and that you won't find yourself feeling hollow, misunderstood, miserable, unwanted, nor alone; and you'll find that you you'll find a new focus in life; not an MO of getting away from what's bothering you, nor finding a breathless ecstasy in turpidity, certainly not a misguided hedonism; for you'll find that you're truly capable of being happy -- that you can find in a person, an action or a place a means of making everything else melt away. The only thing you have to do is to be out there, in the heart of it all, to be masterful in your craft -- whatever you may choose that to be -- so that you may be noticed by the right people, given the right opportunities, and guided the right way, even if that way is far different from what you've been taught at home, so that you become someone desirable to someone you may one day like, so that you may find in that person hopes and joys. The only thing you have to do is to start stepping out there. Go, see what you want, see what people do, see what of those actions you would like to do, and then don't take no for an answer -- go all in and find any means necessary to join in that course of action. You may fail today, you may fail tomorrow, but so what? The failures will never matter the day you get what you want. It's what you want that matters -- the road is just secondary.Enjoy your time, Bro. Have deep, meaningful thoughts. Enjoy joyful company. Have fun. I wish you well, my friend. May you be properly guided, and blessed; and if there is something that you want to do, or something you want, and you want to know how to go about it, then holler at this Brother at once! Cheers!

Fear, Terror and Exhilaration of Climbs and Falls -- 11th September, 2011

I was up on rock shelf, 6 feet above the ground (below the leopard) -- a rock jumping off of which a few weeks ago I had injured my heel, causing me to limp till almost now, since then.

I looked down. I knew I could do it. I also knew that I was afraid. Very afraid. Limping until only a few days ago, memories of my last jump from there were still very fresh. I knew that I could step down onto the portion 4 feet above the ground and take practice jumps, but I wanted to do it in one shot -- for I knew that in life I might come across situations in which I will just have to make a calculated jump, based on past experience, rather than have the luxury of a quick warm up. More importantly, I knew that I plan, just for fun, on situations in life where I simply have to rely on my training -- with no scope for training from lower, nor higher -- knowing that a properly executed procedure will ensure fun and safety. So, there I stood. 6 feet higher than the road, and 2 feet away from it.

I visualized my move. I imagined that I would have to launch myself, then reposition my feet in mid air, then land, so as to do a reverse block to send my body forward, and then tuck into a roll. I imagined myself slowly moving through the air, relaxing my legs, preparing to coil them like a spring the moment the ground touched my feet.

And yet, in silence, I stood. I was afraid. Between bouts of when there were lots of passers by I practiced going through my motions with my legs, but my legs felt like they were made of lead, and I hardly got any fluidity out of them. Two cute girls lying on the grass, across the street, were cheering me on, and the passers by were giving me smiles. It was all very nice, really -- both, the young ones, who expected a visual treat, as well as the ones who looked like they had sons my age, and were thinking "I know what you're up to -- I've got boys, myself." Yeah, I loved that knowing look on the latter's faces -- perhaps because the looks on their faces betrayed an air that what I was doing was safe, whereas the looks on the younger women were simply almost alluring and inviting, as if saying "If you survive, you'll get a warm hug to melt you in comfort."

Even some the guys there looked up, like they knew they would like what they would see. I felt like I was entertaining the passing crowd. It was amazing. It was the 10th anniversary of 11th September, and everyone was happy to anticipate a cool looking stunt -- no one showed even a bit of animosity to this fully bearded guy. While I stood there, tensed, and afraid, I was truly joyous at how people felt.

I stood there for what seemed like forever, despite my having gone through phases where I felt ready to jump, and barely stopped short of it, and phases where I simply wondered to myself: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" There were periods when I was calm and collected, and despite feeling my heartbeat, and despite breathing heavily from anxiety, I went through the motions in my mind, trying to ingrain them within myself; and there were periods when I was barely short of freaking out, my heart beating like a powerful hammer against the inside of my chest, my temples beating like the drums of muscles on strike (or the strike at the nearby boat house was getting to me, haha), and the veins around my eyeballs pulsing, so I could tell when my heart beat my when my vision turned blurry (I know, dehydration is a bitch!).

I knew that I could climb down at any moment. I knew that I could simply climb up, then walk around the statue of the leopard, and down the hill, but I stayed. In fact, a guy who was there with the two girls resting across the street talked to my friend, who was waiting for me to finish with my little adrenaline fix, came to me, concerned, and told me about the walk around the hill that I had already scouted. Of course, I told him that I wanted to jump simply because I wanted to. It was very nice, really, that the girls whom he was with were cheering me on.

Of course, these things come down to very personal decisions. The guy who had just come to tell me about the walk around path went back, telling me "Break a leg." He was simply giving me a friendly warning about what could happen. Of course, I knew what I was doing, so I replied "You can take me to the hospital", to which his two female friends, and the passing my ladies and gentlemen started laughing. I knew, of course, from the get-go, that a go or a no-go was entirely my own, and that no amount of sincere well wishing cautions from those not in the know of how to perform these activities, and no amount of cheering from even the most sincere well wisher should be allowed to overturn one's personal decision as to whether or not to go ahead with the 'trick' (for lack of a better word), for it is one's own well being that one is dealing with, and weighing the risk of getting hurt versus the reward for pulling it off is a very personal decision, and only the one committing the act can know how well he/she can perform the act, and how much he/she has himself/herself under control. In moments like this, it all comes down to feelings -- how well does one feel about the jump? If one feels well, then he might be able to control himself through the motions, keeping his head cool, and his self safe. If one is hesitant, then he might do something wrong, as part of a reflex, and severely jeopardize his well being. Superstitious as this may all seem, one's thoughts govern one's subtle actions,  and hence, one's well being.

At one point the girls across the street even brought out a camera, and that made it very tempting to jump, but I eventually got a hold of myself, for I was still having muscle hesitations right as soon as I placed my center of gravity near the brink.

I made many, many attempts to smoothly, and willfully, clear the brink, but each time I failed, and had to take a rest while letting passers underneath go by. Eventually, I made eye contact with a lady who seemed wilder than me. She was on a bike, with a friend (who was also on a bicycle), and she had a wild look in her eyes, like she was excited at the prospect of what she was expecting to see, while her face showed an expression more akin to "I've seen my own sons do stuff like this, young man; now, let's see if you can be charming with what you can do." It was almost as if she would have a smirk on her face if I failed, for she despite the approving smile I could see a hint of a challenge in her face. For her, I truly wanted to jump, but even then my better judgement held, and I refrained, and she paddled on.

Right after she had passed, of course, I went through my motions, again, visualizing exactly what i would do at each point, and then I jumped; by then, she had turned around to backtrack on her friend, who had fallen behind. I knew that she had watched me as soon as I saw her approaching bicycle, approaching from a slight distance, as I came out of my tuck and roll while hearing a joyous shriek. It had not been my best landing, given that I had almost hit that tarmac with my right knee (I actually felt a slight touch, and almost panicked), but I had not hit any part of myself hard, certainly not my heels. At that point I was far happier that I had made her happy with my jump than I was at having entertained two very pretty girls lying comfortably in the grass -- for I think that for that one moment I had the attention of a like minded individual.

After this, of course, my friend and I headed to my favorite 'rock face' in Central Park (New York, New York) -- the back wall of Belvedere Castle. I had only planned on traversing the rock, from side to side, but somehow I managed to reach (with my hand) the semicircular looking barrier-like artifact, perhaps 12 feet off the ground. Of course, I did try to traverse, but eventually got exhausted, and had to abandon my effort when my right hand cramped up and gave out. By then, I had learned to keep my waist close to the rock wall, looking over my shoulder for find footholds for my down climb; I had started re-learning (from my trips to an indoor rock-climbing gym) techniques of pseudo stemming with my hands, which is very useful in places without a satisfactory ledge to hang from, with the finger tips; I learned that an untrained spotter (my friend) had to be told to request people to not walk right underneath me -- and I learned that a spotter with no experience in things like this also needs to be told to stay out of the possible paths that I would take if I fell, and needed to land into a roll; I learned that I did not yet have the stamina to free solo into high places, and I was seriously thinking about the importance of climbing with a rope, in case I fell, and I was also considering doing the 'hangdog'; I learned that while climbing I was relying too much on my fingers, and too little on my legs, and that that needs to be corrected, for that is becoming a severe handicap; I became acquainted with the terror of the intimate and present danger of slipping off the rock, and falling too far to do a safe landing, given my free running skills; I thus learned the importance of turning back before exhaustion (and I was breathing very heavily to keep my arms going -- hoping that I would be providing my arms a boost in blood oxygen levels as the lactic acid levels built up and started 'burning' through my forearms) compounded the risk of calling, and thus, of serious injury -- for falling while dazed and unprepared would hardly leave a tired me in a position to reorient my body for even an attempt at a proper landing; I learned how to coaxingly caress the rocks, hoping that they would provide some new place to hold with my hands, so that I could grab hold, while still keeping my limbs moving, so as to not get cramps; and I learned the meaning of exhausted anxiety while still on an adrenaline and endorphin high, up on a high. I slowly came down, and not finding too many good hand holds and foot holds, I jumped off when my feet were 4 feet off the ground -- this landing was pretty smooth, too; though it was much more flawed than the one from earlier today, but it felt good in the sense that I was able to walk away without the slightest injury.

Even now, 9 hours after the climbs and the falls (jumps) I can still see in my mind's eye what I saw as I went through the air during both my dismounts. I can see the world floating by, underneath, then getting closer and closer, and then myself blanking out, only remembering a slight touch on my right knee (almost as soft as a Mother's loving touch) as I went into the roll, and hearing the joyful, wild lady's scream as I came out of it. For the roll at Belvedere Castle, I can remember the ground getting closer, and closer, until I rolled to a side -- now that think about it, the roll's lack of smoothness might have been due to the fact that I had neither decided beforehand, nor pre-ingrained in myself whether I would be using a variation of the forward roll, or the back ward roll, and the staccato nature of my roll might even have been due to my perhaps trying both ways at the same time (at this point, of course, I can no longer really be sure).

These activities did not leave me exhilarated, nor does the thought of doing these things get me excited -- any more. I just happen to enjoy them when I am in the midst of doing them. To create a very crude, and tasteless, analogy, it is almost as bad as doing research work like it was mindless sex (but not quite), not even due to liking it (yeah, I know, what would I know, right? Haha), and not really expecting to enjoy it, but rather, only being grateful on the few occasions when one just happens to enjoy it (yes, you guessed it: I feel that studying physical phenomenon from text books is akin to mental masturbation).

So, perhaps life is more than just a bunch of administrative hurdles, punctuated with bouts of pre-planned pleasure -- perhaps life has more to taking the time to enjoy things by doing them, rather than simply expecting a quick high out of them. Just a thought.

Rain Songs, Measures of Dreams -- Friday, 19th August, 2011

Swimming in Schlieren

Saw the rain and couldn't stop thinking about swimming in schlieren.
The thickening layer of such smooth transition between water and the heavens.
A restive cushion beneath, and a tumultuous pelting above,
Tempered by a thin haze, a fizz
So much more invigorating than a shower
And yet, so unlike the torment beneath a waterfall.
A sensation of floating without feeling a surface;
Poking right through, to breathe
And yet, not feeling that tension when falling back in.
Water above, water below.
Stark sounds above, a subdued, misty trance below.
A cold spa above, and a relaxing lull below.
An invigorating gusto to breathe
To breathe among all the splash and water
And yet, to float without that sinking sensation.
It is indeed the measure of a dream.

Torrents in the Rain -- a Walk to the Prayer Hall.
Saw torrents in the rain, flowing down pavements like tributaries down the hills.
Saw lightning brighten up the earth and the sky with an eerie blue delight.
Heard thunder roaring triumphantly,
Making the pouring rain sound cold as dead stones.
Saw a joy through the soaking wet, a serenity in motion, when the want of that motion would have caused despair;
For my destination I knew, a place to give me calm, and the walk was like a carefree little adventure, over calmed pavements and heavy traffic.
It was a serenity without despair.

P.S. I know that I first posted the above two to my Facebook status, but this way they are indexable, and for future reference, far more accessible.
P.S.S. I know these are not songs, but I needed a name, and these thoughts, for me, have a musical quality.